Most people in relationships would never admit it out loud, but a surprising number are keeping their options open. One in six Americans currently in a relationship confesses there’s someone else in their life they’d actually leave their partner for if that person showed romantic interest.
That revelation comes from a new survey of 1,279 people in relationships, which uncovered some uncomfortable truths about modern commitment. While having a wandering eye is one thing, having a specific person in mind as a potential exit strategy takes it further.
The Gender Gap in Relationship Commitment
Research conducted by Talker Research as part of a lifestyle omnibus found that 16% of coupled Americans have identified someone who could pull them away from their current relationship. Men are far more likely to have this backup plan, with 19% admitting there’s someone they’d leave their partner for, compared to just 12% of women.
Perhaps even more telling: one in five Americans (20%) in relationships don’t actually consider their current partner to be their soulmate. Women are slightly more likely than men to feel this way, with 14% of women expressing doubt compared to 11% of men. The survey doesn’t prove these are the same people with backup plans, but the combination raises an obvious question. Why stay if the conviction isn’t there?
Millennials emerge as the generation most likely to believe in the soulmate concept and feel their current partner is “the one.” Maybe growing up immersed in romantic comedies set their expectations sky-high, or perhaps they’re just more willing to walk away from relationships that feel like compromises.
When Attraction Becomes Something More
Clinical psychologist Adam Horvath explained why these feelings might be more universal than people admit. “It is not uncommon to think we could leave our partner for the new, exciting, mysterious other one, but it matters how we respond to these feelings,” Horvath said. “If you often find yourself emotionally invested outside your relationship, that’s a signal to look at why your boundaries are dropping.”
Horvath emphasized that attraction to others doesn’t automatically make someone a bad partner. “We’re human. Attraction does not turn off when we say ‘I choose you.’ What matters is what we do with our feelings, and whether we’re honest with ourselves about why they’re there,” he explained. “Having a daydream about someone else isn’t rare or pathological, and it doesn’t automatically mean you are a bad partner, let alone that your relationship is doomed.”
The psychologist pointed out that noticing romantic interest in others is hardwired biology. “Developing feelings for someone is quite normal, as our brains are wired to notice a romantic interest. It’s biology, not betrayal,” he said.
The Fantasy Partner Problem
The trouble starts when people begin comparing their actual partner to a fantasy version of someone else. “Where it gets tricky is when we think these feelings are meaningful, and in fact, they are our way out. When we compare our real partner to a fantasy of someone else, and check out because ‘there’s something better,’” Horvath explained. “That’s less about the crush and more about something missing that the backup person represents: Playfulness, romance, excitement. Or sometimes simply just something new.”
For many Americans, monogamy might be more about choosing to stay than about not wanting to stray. Whether having a “what if” person in the back of your mind is normal human psychology or a red flag about your relationship depends on how each person handles it.
But the survey data tells a clear story. If these percentages hold nationally, they would translate to millions of Americans in relationships while simultaneously identifying someone they’d rather be with. That person at work who makes them laugh, the ex who got away, the friend who “gets them” in ways their partner doesn’t. These backup options aren’t just passing crushes but specific people who could theoretically change everything if they made a move.
Source : https://studyfinds.org/many-adults-have-backup-person-theyd-leave-their-partner-for/
